There is no easy way to discuss this, because I genuinely think that people will feel different. But I have also found that it is still a subject that isn’t discussed enough, so I wanted to share how I have been feeling about it all. I guess pregnancy after loss was always going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. Some happy, positive and feelings of being overjoyed. Sometimes feeling like you are in a dark place of fear and anxiety. I don’t think the conflict of emotion will go away until there is a baby in our arms.
Going through an ectopic pregnancy and the two miscarriages changed me as a person, in ways I can’t begin to describe in words. I am not the happy, care-free individual I once was. I am so much more aware of hidden stories and things people go through behind closed doors, because I have been there. I break far more easily and probably rely on my husband way too much to build me back up again. But then while I wish we never had to go through what we did, I also want to take some positives from it. I am so much more grateful for the things I do have in my life. I am much more aware of emotions, and I guess, to give myself a little credit, I am a far stronger person today than I ever was.
I am, as it stands today, 30 weeks pregnant, and I wanted to talk about the conflict of emotions that I have been feeling since being pregnant and to reach this stage, when my other pregnancies haven’t been so fortunate. To say that it hasn’t been easy will be an understatement. I have a conflict of emotion on a daily basis. I go from feeling happy and excited to feeling anxious and worried from one minute to the next.
Back in the early days of pregnancy I had a huge fear every time I went to the bathroom. I expected to find something was wrong. That history was going to repeat itself. I also felt hideous with pregnancy symptoms, albeit not as tough as some people have, and I felt conflicted to moan about those symptoms because I felt like I had to be this positive and happy person to be pregnant all of the time.
Being pregnant was a dream, it was something myself and my husband wanted for so long. So to moan about something that you have wanted felt so morally wrong. But yet, had I have not been through the miscarriages, would I think twice about complaining of sickness or tiredness? Definitely not. I certainly didn’t when I was pregnant with my son.
I decided to talk about it a little more openly through a video that has gone live on YouTube and IGTV a few months ago. I found that it can sometimes be easier to just talk about it, rather than try and put something into words.
I hope that if you find yourself in this situation of being pregnant after loss that the worry you feel, the fear, and the anxiety will feel more normalised. It’s totally normal to feel down and out.