Pregnancy After Loss – Fears, Emotions And Thoughts

There is no easy way to discuss this, because I genuinely think that people will feel different. But I have also found that it is still a subject that isn’t discussed enough, so I wanted to share how I have been feeling about it all. I guess pregnancy after loss was always going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. Some happy, positive and feelings of being overjoyed. Sometimes feeling like you are in a dark place of fear and anxiety. I don’t think the conflict of emotion will go away until there is a baby in our arms. 

Going through an ectopic pregnancy and the two miscarriages changed me as a person, in ways I can’t begin to describe in words. I am not the happy, care-free individual I once was. I am so much more aware of hidden stories and things people go through behind closed doors, because I have been there. I break far more easily and probably rely on my husband way too much to build me back up again. But then while I wish we never had to go through what we did, I also want to take some positives from it. I am so much more grateful for the things I do have in my life. I am much more aware of emotions, and I guess, to give myself a little credit, I am a far stronger person today than I ever was. 

I am, as it stands today, 30 weeks pregnant, and I wanted to talk about the conflict of emotions that I have been feeling since being pregnant and to reach this stage, when my other pregnancies haven’t been so fortunate. To say that it hasn’t been easy will be an understatement. I have a conflict of emotion on a daily basis. I go from feeling happy and excited to feeling anxious and worried from one minute to the next. 

Back in the early days of pregnancy I had a huge fear every time I went to the bathroom. I expected to find something was wrong. That history was going to repeat itself. I also felt hideous with pregnancy symptoms, albeit not as tough as some people have, and I felt conflicted to moan about those symptoms because I felt like I had to be this positive and happy person to be pregnant all of the time. 

Being pregnant was a dream, it was something myself and my husband wanted for so long. So to moan about something that you have wanted felt so morally wrong. But yet, had I have not been through the miscarriages, would I think twice about complaining of sickness or tiredness? Definitely not. I certainly didn’t when I was pregnant with my son. 

I decided to talk about it a little more openly through a video that has gone live on YouTube and IGTV a few months ago. I found that it can sometimes be easier to just talk about it, rather than try and put something into words. 

I hope that if you find yourself in this situation of being pregnant after loss that the worry you feel, the fear, and the anxiety will feel more normalised. It’s totally normal to feel down and out. 

Goals For The Week And Re-cap 7th October

I love setting goals, in fact I am such a list writer and “to do” list person, that setting goals has just become part and parcel of that. Even if it is a list of things that need to be done that day, I consider them goals that I want to achieve. After all, it is always worth celebrating the little wins as it can really keep you keep going, especially on those tough parenting days. 

So I thought it would be a good idea to set myself some weekly goals on here. Things to do with life, housework and jobs, work related stuff and parenting things. It may incentivise you to do something similar, or to add some of them to your own list. I am just hoping it helps me to stay accountable. 

So this week I want to try and achieve the following:

Work related goals

  • To have published two blog posts on here this week. 
  • To get involved with Baby Loss Awareness week which starts on the 9th October. 
  • To have completed my contracted blog writing work before school pick up time. Something that I have been struggling to do recently.
  • To consistently upload on my Instagram on my feed as well as through Instagram stories. If you don’t already come and follow and say hi!

There are not that many as I do have a heavy workload of freelance writing anyway, but I am hoping that if I can get these things achieved, then it will enable me to keep up with momentum. 

Housework jobs

  • To have mopped the downstairs, cleaned all the skirting boards, and deep cleaned the living room ready for new sofa day on Saturday. I am very excited. 
  • Do an inventory of the cupboards, fridge and freezer and come up with a meal plan moving forward. I am hoping this will encourage me to use the things I have in, rather than buying anything extra. 
  • To have sorted my wardrobe
  • Deep clean the bathroom

Aside from the usual daily clean jobs that I do such as hoovering, tidying and general day to day chores, these things are additional extras that I would like to get sorted. 

Parenting bits

  • Work on numbers with Logan. I have noticed that he sometimes gets his numbers the wrong way round. He doesn’t do it with letters, so I am going to work through some of the books that he has and see if some practice can help. 
  • Daily practice on the school maths and reading apps
  • Daily reading
  • To keep working with the rewards charts

Life goals

  • Drink more water each day. Aiming for two litres at least. I am rubbish at drinking water so this is definitely something I need to work on, especially with being pregnant
  • Keep a positive mindset. Something that I am working on at the moment. 
  • Get a little organised with the house. 

This week in review

This last week has been a fantastic week of work for me. I have worked really hard to get into a routine with all of the things that I want and need to do. I managed to get my first trimester blog post published, as well as a blog discussing the rewards charts and changes we have made when it comes to discipline.

This week has also seen immense progress with Logan using his rewards chart and his behaviour really improving and I am so happy that a) I have managed to stick with it, and b) he is still loving the incentive and also thinking about his actions and behaviour. 

I also managed to get a YouTube video published discussing the first trimester. You can watch it below if you like. While you are there it would be amazing if you could subscribe 🙂 

We also found out the gender of our baby and revealed it over on Instagram. We’re expecting a little girl and we are beyond excited. Overall it has been a fantastic week and I am starting out this one very positive and hopeful to continue with the momentum for work and home life. 

I hope you all have a fabulous week.