Pregnancy After Loss – Fears, Emotions And Thoughts

There is no easy way to discuss this, because I genuinely think that people will feel different. But I have also found that it is still a subject that isn’t discussed enough, so I wanted to share how I have been feeling about it all. I guess pregnancy after loss was always going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. Some happy, positive and feelings of being overjoyed. Sometimes feeling like you are in a dark place of fear and anxiety. I don’t think the conflict of emotion will go away until there is a baby in our arms. 

Going through an ectopic pregnancy and the two miscarriages changed me as a person, in ways I can’t begin to describe in words. I am not the happy, care-free individual I once was. I am so much more aware of hidden stories and things people go through behind closed doors, because I have been there. I break far more easily and probably rely on my husband way too much to build me back up again. But then while I wish we never had to go through what we did, I also want to take some positives from it. I am so much more grateful for the things I do have in my life. I am much more aware of emotions, and I guess, to give myself a little credit, I am a far stronger person today than I ever was. 

I am, as it stands today, 30 weeks pregnant, and I wanted to talk about the conflict of emotions that I have been feeling since being pregnant and to reach this stage, when my other pregnancies haven’t been so fortunate. To say that it hasn’t been easy will be an understatement. I have a conflict of emotion on a daily basis. I go from feeling happy and excited to feeling anxious and worried from one minute to the next. 

Back in the early days of pregnancy I had a huge fear every time I went to the bathroom. I expected to find something was wrong. That history was going to repeat itself. I also felt hideous with pregnancy symptoms, albeit not as tough as some people have, and I felt conflicted to moan about those symptoms because I felt like I had to be this positive and happy person to be pregnant all of the time. 

Being pregnant was a dream, it was something myself and my husband wanted for so long. So to moan about something that you have wanted felt so morally wrong. But yet, had I have not been through the miscarriages, would I think twice about complaining of sickness or tiredness? Definitely not. I certainly didn’t when I was pregnant with my son. 

I decided to talk about it a little more openly through a video that has gone live on YouTube and IGTV a few months ago. I found that it can sometimes be easier to just talk about it, rather than try and put something into words. 

I hope that if you find yourself in this situation of being pregnant after loss that the worry you feel, the fear, and the anxiety will feel more normalised. It’s totally normal to feel down and out. 

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13 Comments

  1. January 3, 2020 / 9:05 am

    It’s definitely something that needs discussing more. Many people are unaware that not all pregnancies are an easy journey. I wish you all the best with your pregnancy.

    • admin
      Author
      January 3, 2020 / 10:30 am

      Thank you so much. It is a topic that is avoided, but the more people do raise awareness, the less alone people will feel. Thanks for commenting and taking the time to read the post. 🙂

  2. January 3, 2020 / 8:50 pm

    I know how difficult it can be to write about sensitive subjects, but I think that by talking about your experiences you can really help people who are in a similar situation.

    I’ve just watched your video and I think you’ve shared your thoughts and feelings in a really eloquent way.

    Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy x

    • admin
      Author
      January 6, 2020 / 11:52 am

      Thank you so much. It is always good to talk about it and to have people confirm that it is totally normal to feel a little scared. Thanks for taking theme to read, watch and comment 🙂

  3. January 4, 2020 / 12:03 am

    I definitely felt like this when I was pregnant with Olivia after our loss. I also had a huge fear every time I went to the bathroom

    • admin
      Author
      January 6, 2020 / 11:52 am

      I totally understand that. I also felt the same way. It’s not an easy thing to overcome 🙂

  4. Rhian Westbury
    January 4, 2020 / 6:34 am

    I’m so sorry about everything you’ve been through, I can’t even begin to imagine how emotional this pregnancy must be on you. But you’re right not enough people talk about things like this x

    • admin
      Author
      January 6, 2020 / 11:53 am

      They really don’t. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. 🙂

  5. January 4, 2020 / 11:36 am

    Well done for opening up about a subject I really believe needs to be discussed more.
    Although I’ve been very fortunate to have never been through a pregnancy loss, I went through secondary infertility before having my second child and TTC took over my life and made me feel a complete failure. It made my pregnancy really hard as I struggled with stress, worry and depression.

    I wish you lots of luck with the rest of your pregnancy!! xo

    • admin
      Author
      January 6, 2020 / 11:55 am

      Thank you for your well wishes and so sorry to hear about your experiences of secondary infertility. We can definitely put unnecessary pressure on ourselves for sure. 🙂

  6. January 5, 2020 / 10:38 am

    I think that everything changes doesn’t it, and we do really need to talk more about it. It’s so much more common that a lot of people think and women and their partners really need support through it all.

  7. January 6, 2020 / 10:29 am

    I can totally understand your fears and they are very normal. My son’s girlfriend had an ectopic pregnancy last year and has been diagnosed with PTSD but won’t talk about.